It was 5.30am when I woke up this morning. I forced myself to get back to sleep. It was not only early but there was no need to rush today, since I had to be in to receive a piece of furniture.
I had a weird dream in the meantime and I woke up not sure if I should take it as a sign, a premonition, or not, but I shook it off from my head and let it go – there is no point in trying to control and understand every message that comes in. The more I think, the less I allow life to unfold just as it is.
Thus I woke up for the second time around 8am. I came downstairs to pick yesterday’s night remaining cake and I ate it telling myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty; I should do whatever I would feel like doing today. So I ate my cake while binging on the Mr Robot tv series and while I was doing so I acknowledged that I was still carrying yesterday’s hurt. I thought I was being rebellious by doing whatever I wanted today, but in fact I was just trying to cover up the remaining feelings of misunderstanding and feeding a numbness state, out of touch with my own heart.
On that moment, I reminded myself of how I still have much to work to do on my mind and emotions. I stopped my numb binging and sat outside in the balcony, savouring some home made black coffee and drinking from Jon-Kabat Zinn’s book “Wherever you go, there you are”. I took a deep breath and did my best to keep my mind engaged on the book’s teachings. I spent a considerable amount of time re-reading the chapter on “patience”.
And somehow a sense of greater inner peace emerged. Every sentence was re-affirming how my mind needs to settle down and how I must sit with my deep feelings of hurt, feeling and experiencing them just as they are, instead of drowning them on chocolate cake. From this ‘mind shift’, I became aware of my own responsibility regarding past events, in which I chose to blame others instead of accepting the lesson I needed to learn: there is no gain in trying to control the timing of any life event; life unfolds itself as it must and it doesn’t care much about our momentary wishes and cravings.
My heart started to expand and become lighter as my being was reaching this conclusion and on that moment I felt wholeheartedly thankful for all the suffering. The suffering was always a result of my own refusal to learn and my unconscious stubbornness on playing the victim’s role. I was always assuming that I was right and others were wrong, standing furious when others would not see their own blindness. But wasn’t I also blinded by my own thoughts and emotions?
I realise now that nothing or no one made me suffer. My own resistance made me suffer. My resistance to accept life’s own timing with patience was the reason of my suffering.