I spent a decade going from one crush to another with a maximum of 3-weeks of rest in between. And within those 3 weeks I would fall in love two times in the same day. Seriously. Ten years! Ten years of the most weird relationships you can imagine – and thus the most painful ones as well -, even though I deeply believed at that time that I just had this ‘thing’ of falling in love way too easily. What wrong would there be?
So for a decade I moved mountains for every guy I fell in love with. If I found myself attracted to someone, I would find a way to talk to him and make him like me. It used to work every time, at least for a while, until they walk out without notice. I never understood why would they leave and I predictably blamed them for my suffering. Now I see I was never driven by love, but by a huge need of being validated as a ‘good match’ after all those years of feeling rejected by my morbid obesity. After my teenager years as the ugly duck, I wanted to flip the coin. To ‘get’ the guy would mean I was already ‘good looking enough’ to be chosen by a man. And of course they would all leave – who wants to be with someone who insists to be a chameleon and act like a mirror just to be considered perfect?
The Truth is that there was a big lack of self-esteem and self-confidence deep inside me. My sense and feeling of worthiness was solely based in the fact of being with a guy in a relationship. If I had that box ticked, I could be assured that my whole existence was validated. But nothing can subside if it is not built from a solid foundation and that foundation was solely dependent on my own inner work.
This inner work over the last two years has been painful, I cannot lie; but I do believe you need to go through the pain of confronting your own mind and self to reach a more peaceful and balanced place. You need to uncover and disentangle all the little pieces that you are made of so you can try to finish the puzzle of who you are. That puzzle will be your happiness map, because you can only be truly happy when you know yourself well enough.
Knowing yourself is what will allow you to start making the right decisions. Knowing yourself will be knowing that your self-worth comes from within. The validation you crazily seek in others, either through any kind relationship or any other obsession you might not even be aware of right now, it’s only available through you and the expression of who you really are as a human being.
And to sum up, these are the reasons why I disengaged or lost interest in the dating game which usually is nothing else than strangers looking for a quick fix to a problem they don’t know anything about yet. Dating without knowing yourself first is like a trampolim to the abyss. You will not be equipped to know what’s the best match for you because you have no real clue of what that match would look like. You don’t know yourself, so how do you know what you’re looking for?