By filling in the scale-tests that Sonja displays in her book, I finally faced the reality I was trying to cover up: at the moment, I am not very happy and I am depressed. A lot of feelings have been coming through from this reality-check. Some of them might be shame and guilt. How can I not be happy? How am I depressed? Don’t I know everything about happiness and positive psychology? Haven’t I taught people on the “Psychology of Happiness”? Other feelings are empowerment and self-acceptance. I accept the present moment and its reality. Doing so makes me feel empowered, because from that point I know what to do next: I need to befriend my feelings and nurture back my positivity.
I’m hurt and angry. And I’m sad. And frustrated. I’m tired of the indifference with which people treat us. The more I try, the more I seem to fail. Every act of kindness or good-natured gesture ends up returned as abuse and a request for more. They want more, they always want more. They demand…
So in the end it had very little to do with others or the way “they just are”. The connections were there to teach me what I didn’t want to see and learn. That’s why now I clearly realise how every connection is an opportunity and an invitation to learn more about ourselves. After all, our reality is always a projection of the good and the bad within us. We merely want to pretend that there is no bad, only good. And that’s the main reason why we don’t learn to manage our lives as fast as we could.
To help you out, I will now share with you three signs that I have been coming across in my own experience and which have helped me to realise the kind of people I have surrounded myself with. Again, it doesn’t mean that you need to cut these people off from your life, it just means that you can become more aware about the amount of energy you put in those relationships.
You have still been waiting for someone else to do that job for you. Or maybe a book… a chat with a particular someone. You try everything except sitting and truly facing yourself – but that’s the only way you have to realise and examine the amount of truth that you have been living with. That’s the only way to actually overcome any sense of self-lack.
We are not even productive as we think we are when we lead a life of busyness. We get hill more often because stress and anxiety lower our immune system capacity to respond in case of emergency. We don’t have such a good quality of sleep, because we go to bed late or we can’t simply shut our mind off and fall asleep. And when we do sleep we may keep waking up in the middle of the night with a massive urge to breathe deeper or an uncomfortable sense that something is weighing us down, so much that we can’t take a full deep breath.
It’s not cold and it’s not hot. The wind plays very gently in the soles of my feet and I just keep swinging in our garden bed, back and forth, letting my soul being hypnotised by the trees’ lullabies. The wind inspires them to sing and at night they surely loose their shyness. All this elicits a lukewarm feeling inside me. It comes straight from my heart and it travels in slow motion to the very end of my fingertips. It drives me automatically to write and talk to you. It makes me drunk with words and visions that deeply penetrate my mind with the secret intention of being spread away.
I finally grasped something more about ‘non-doing’ and felt the accumulated stress leaving my body at the same time. It was as if everything that I had been worrying or thinking about doing had actually no importance or urgency at all. There was something more important which is to fully witness the present moment.