Ever wandered why people do such silly things for a little company in return? How many self-respect barriers do they break for that? How many times do they sacrifice themselves for a little bit of recognition? And how many times do people do this when they are in love? How many times do they choose to go blind, just to have that false sense of being with someone?
I was trying to sleep but I couldn’t. These questions popped up in my mind and I started to pierce a little bit more behind the veil.
I have been doing all that; I have been staying around people, offering them what I can find best in my heart for a little bit of care in return. So I have kept myself waiting for that little bit of ‘I see you’ and I have kept giving them a little bit more from time to time so they don’t forget forever that they put me on hold.
I realise now that some anger starts to arise within me and that anger is toward myself, not them. That anger derives from letting myself wait eternally for someone else’s decision or little bit of authentic attention. And because I secretly wish someone to come and say ‘I will stay with you’. How sad is that? How sad it is to be waiting and keep waiting for someone to come and say ‘I will stay with you’?
So I chat now with myself. What would happen if that actually happened, if that someone showed up? Would everything be ok then? No. I would still have more days to fill in with some other worries. I would still have to figure out my career. I would still have to go around my eating disorder. I would still have to deal with the fact that my country doesn’t feel like mine anymore and the new country I live in now will never feel like mine. Will it? I honestly don’t know.
But what I do know is that no one has ever came and said ‘I will stay with you’ with such a deep meaning that even your messy mind couldn’t distort it. That person never came and I doubt someday will. That person has to be me and assuming that… I cease waiting. I free myself. I choose myself and I get to be free. I choose myself and I change direction. But I also go a bit numb. Somehow my soul knows that we were all made to care for each other and to live in such harmony that we would never need to wait for someone to stay with us. They would just be.