I gave up talking about my love life to anyone else but me. First because people always want to comment, or state something about it, and second because it never lasts too long. Now what I have to share with you might sound selfish, but I am going to share it with you anyway.
I used to be the kind of person that stays with someone no matter what. It didn’t matter that he was a total bastard and everyone could see that, but I always stayed, waiting for him to change and start treating me better. This means that he would understand my needs and feelings, as well as being able to communicate openly about any issue between us. And most importantly it would also mean that he speaks his Truth, instead of singing me lullabies so I can stay a little bit longer under his spell.
Somewhere along the way I changed. I realised that I deserved whatever I was looking for. Even if it seemed impossible to find the “fit” I always looked for, at least I had changed my mindset and decided to wait for it. I would still be waiting, but alone. However, while I was waiting, I committed some perceptive mistakes. I thought I had found the one who was able to finally speak the same heart language as me. Everything was looking so perfectly perfect that soon I started to dismiss all the little details that were there but that I chose not to see, just to keep myself in the cinderella story.
I wanted so much to be “merry” that once again I compromised my self-love and path in the name of “love”. But time and experience bring us some positive outcomes. Every time I try and let myself become blind now and again, I need less and less time to realise the trap I created for myself. And the last time was no different: finally I thought I had found someone who was similar to me and that had everything to do with me… but then I also knew that something was not that right. And deep down inside me, from the very beginning, I knew it. I knew we couldn’t go deeper together, at least not now.
Maybe you think I should wait. Maybe I do. Maybe I will. But not in the same way as I used to wait. I do realise now how to pick myself up for once and for all, without expecting to have that hand extended directly to me. I have to keep going, alone, I have to keep carrying on my inner work. I need to go deeper and for now I will have do it alone, so I don’t sabotage what I have to learn about love.