Sometimes I Just Throw Myself On The Floor

I used to repress my need for a good cry.

In general, it seemed to happen in the most inappropriate moments. Well, there is no such thing as an inappropriate moment to cry, is it? We should allow ourselves to stay truthful to our inner experiences and embrace whatever arises within us. However that’s not the mindset in which most of us grew up and that’s also the reason why some of us want to cry later at some point to relieve the energy to only find out that we can’t do it anymore. We lost the moment.

We were taught that it’s not pretty to cry out loud, specially if we are at work or in public, and mostly if we are a man. Even if we are among family, which should be the safest place to be our True Self, we rarely feel comfortable to let our tears roll out. We grew up with the idea that crying is a sign of weakness and therefore something to be ashamed of. Something to be hidden and silenced.

Thus by all means we repress that need. I was no different. I can’t count how many times I felt the urge to cry and how many times I repressed that urge in the following second. I used to cry a lot in extreme stressful situations. Though, I repeat: extreme. If it was not that extreme, I would eat my tears and put another heavy stone around my chest, pretending that nothing had came up within me. In my mind, I had to be the one keeping-it-altogether.

Though, I did it so many times that one day I found myself unable to cry. Even under extreme situations and overwhelming emotions. At some point, my chest got blocked and my emotions were completely numbed. I could be very sad and still no salt could be tasted on my lips. My heart chakra was not even green anymore, it turned black, and my throat chakra had a constant feeling of being strangled up. I wanted to cry to release all that stagnated energy inside me, but I simply couldn’t.

I did a lot of work around my heart chakra either through yoga or the practise of conscious forgiveness. It took me months if not even a year to be able to feel again. I used to joke saying that I was the Tin Man and honestly I think that was the case. I wanted my human heart back and when I finally brought my heart chakra into alignment I promised myself that no matter what I would not repress my feelings or emotions again. If I felt like crying, then I should.

So now whenever that need arises I let the tears roll down my face and if I feel it’s not safe to do it so where I am then I just go and find a private place. And when I find it, I usually just throw myself on the floor. I kneel and put my hands into prayer position. I cry and talk out loud. I question, I ask for signs. But I let myself cry as much as I need, until all that heavy energy leaves my chest. Most of the times I end up laughing. Others I just go back to what I was doing before. In any case, I end up much lighter.

I end up in a more loving place within myself.

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